There have been approximately 247 licenses for same sex marriages given out in the US. While a gay or lesbian couple could not have been ceremoniously united until 1983 (in Denmark) or until 2004 in the United States, researchers have been looking at same sex relationships for decades. They point out that gays and lesbians argue over the same sort of things as heterosexual couples do. However, their conflict styles differ, their relationship success rates are higher and they have a myriad of issues specific to same sex couples. It’s no surprise, then, that a need would open up for counseling for civil marriages.

In some ways, a same sex marriage will suffer the same trials and tribulations as their heterosexual counterpart, as both will argue about finances, power struggles, household chores, child rearing, autonomy and intimacy. Also, a 2008 study by the American Psychological Association found that same sex couples are just as happy and committed in their romantic relationships as heterosexual couples.

However, researchers have also noted that civil marriages of gay and lesbian couples showcase different conflict styles. Same sex marriages researcher and author Esther Rosenblum found that “Same-sex couples tend to use effective arguing. They give each other a fair hearing, and their conflicts are brief and quickly forgotten. Heterosexual couples argue ineffectively. Their conflicts are more frustrating and don’t get solved for days.” She adds that gay and lesbian couples come from the same cultural backgrounds, which makes it easier for them to resolve conflicts. “When women argue, they tend to focus on the relationship, and when men argue, they tend to focus on logic and problem solving,” she explains.

No doubt, those in same sex marriages face a set of unique issues that heterosexual couples do not. For instance, gay unions are not normalized and therefore these couples may not feel the social pressure to stay together. These couples are already labeled “deviant” by the majority of society, whether they break up or remain together. They may also face public persecution or scrutiny from disapproving family members.

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Pre marriage counseling really does pay off, according to a four state survey of over 3,000 homes published by Scott Stanley in the Journal of Family Psychology (March, 2006). The survey found that couples who met with marriage family counselors were, on average, 31% less likely to divorce than couples who did not attend counseling. They were also more likely to report higher marital satisfaction, lower marital conflict and greater levels of commitment.

The question of when to seek marriage counseling before the big day may be dicey. It’s sort of like a prenuptial, which some people may find offensive or as admonishing the fact that “Hey things may not work out as planned!” As the practice of counseling for couples becomes more widespread, this becomes less an issue, though. To help guide you, the California Association for Marriage Family Therapists came up with several criterion. If you’re young and have never married, then go! If one partner is “commitment-o-phobic,” then go! If there are unresolved issues regarding money, parenting, household responsibilities, work or sex, then go! If one or more partners have had a previously failed marriage, go! If you feel you’d like added conflict resolution skills, go! Lastly, if there has been a history of childhood or domestic abuse, go! Sometimes these seemingly minor obstacles can become full-blown catastrophes later, so it’s important that they’re addressed early and professionally.

Research shows that money is the #1 thing new couples argue over, which can be addressed through pre marriage counseling. Marriage therapists say the major underlying source of financial conflict is lack of communication. Prior to getting married, you should identify your spending habits. Are you a “big spender” or a “big saver?” Sometimes, there is a communication breakdown as each side tries to win the power struggle. Additionally, there could be “The Done Deal” type who makes financial decisions like opening new credit cards or investing in a rental property without telling his/her spouse until it’s too late. Some people are also vulnerable to “keeping up with the Joneses,” buying out-of-budget cars, boats and gadgets, which drives more practical spouses up the wall. Holidays are another time when communication about spending tends to breakdown. Lastly, forgetting to tell a spouse about past debts can escalate into arguments galore.

Many pre marriage counseling sessions are more like educational courses, rather than therapy. The counselors are there to teach you ways to comfort your crabby partner after he or she has had “the worst day ever.” They’ll show you how to communicate your needs and wants without nagging, complaining or accusing. They’ll teach you how to overcome marriage-killer behavioral patterns like stone-walling, criticizing, defensiveness and contemptuousness. Before you say “I Do,” you can learn your personal conflict styles and recognize the relationship’s strengths and possible weaknesses, which will create better understanding in the long run.

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Numerous studies have been done over the years to uncover the major struggles that married couples have at various stages of life, some of these disagreements delivering the deathblow of divorce. For young couples, money seems to be the major source of strife, in addition to household chores as they adapt to new roles. For middle-aged couples, it’s how to raise the children and for seniors, it’s who will retire first. While it may seem a personal matter, an impartial marriage counselor can lend an ear and some expertise to help you endure these waves to find increased marital satisfaction. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, the counselors say, as couples who weather the storm celebrate their golden years as the happiest time of their lives.

You should endeavor to find a marriage counselor to help you avoid painful emotional outbursts. If you or your spouse spends any amount of time shouting at each other, crying or getting stuck in a constant cycle of derision and nagging, then counseling for marriage can help. Secondly, certified counselors provide added motivation to complete your plan to regain that romantic love again. Sometimes another person’s faith that your efforts will be successful is all you need to believe it yourself. While these may seem like things you might be able to do on your own, the third reason to seek counseling is to gain access to knowledge and strategies to help you achieve your goals. Over the years there have been many studies into human behavior, which can help us recognize our patterns of behavior and remedy the underlying causes of our feelings.

Finding the right marriage counselor can be very important to your success. Often couples look up a few numbers in the Yellow Pages or go with referrals from others. Be sure you choose your marriage therapy guide together, so there is no finger-pointing if the first counselor doesn’t work out. Look for marriage family counselors who have been in practice for at least seven years, who see at least 6-8 couples per week and who have specialized training. Be sure you find a therapist for couples and not just an individual therapist. Also, it’s a good idea to find someone affordable and close by, so there are no excuses to skip a session. Next, call each clinic to determine which counselor seems sincerely interested in you? Do they ask important questions to gather information or do they seem in a hurry to get off the phone with you?

You may be wondering what to expect from a marriage counselor session. During your first visit, you’ll each be quizzed separately, as well as together. You’ll acquaint yourselves with the therapist and establish a rapport. You’ll be asked about why you came to counseling for couples, establish a few goals and work from there. Often you’ll fill out a few questionnaires for the counselor to go over after you’ve left and he or she will come up with a plan for the next session. In the second session, a strategy will be promoted to address the marital problems and the session may last two hours, rather than one. By the end of session two, you’ll have a treatment plan and a few first assignments to work on. You may need to document the amount of undivided attention paid to each other or keep a journal of your progress. Each week you’ll report your successes and failures to the counselor until your goals have been realized.

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You can really improve the quality of your relationship with a few simple practices.  Just paying attention to these three secrets can transform the quality of your relationship starting today.  More detailed information on all of this is available in a free relationship course 7 Vital Relationship Insights You Never Learned In School.

Top Secret Number One:  Play!  Studies have shown that the more play you have with your partner, the less fighting there will be.  So if you are fighting a lot, play more, and test this out for yourself.  Just a few hours a week can begin to uplift your entire relationship.

So do you have a date night at least once a week where you both go spend time playing together like you did in the beginning?  Make the time to have fun with your mate!

Top Practice Number Two:  Get Better At Conflict.  Conflict will happen in any relationship.  How you manage and deal with the conflict is the key to having a better relationship.  During conflict we all tend to revert emotionally to 7 year olds, but screaming at your mate or expressing contempt are some of the big trouble signs for a marriage.

As you will be arguing with your love from time to time anyway, it is good to start now to take some time to learn how to deal with conflict in healthy ways.  One technique is to learn to attack less during a fight and use “I” statements rather than “you” statements to discuss how you feel.  You can get some free training on conflict and Emotional Intelligence here.

Top Practice Number Three is to Minimize the Mind Reading.  Your lover can’t read your mind.  They don’t actually just know what you want and need.  Recognize this and help them out by asking for what you want.  If you need some time to yourself, ask.  If you need them to just listen instead of give you their advice, speak up for that as well.

By asking for what you need, you can prevent a lot of fights and sulking.You can also support your mate in making requests for what they need as well.  That’s being a good partner.

There is obviously a lot more to each of these three topics.  Books have been written on them.  But spending some time and effort on these three principles will pay off for your relationship over the long term.  If you’d like to learn more about Relationship Intelligence to transform your love life, you can fix relationship problems with a free course.

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Are you wondering is your spouse cheating on you? Usually if your suspicions are correct and they are having an affair, your spouse will be behaving differently in the following ways.

Less affection – this is an obvious sign to look out for. As soon as you notice a significant change in the amount of affection and love your spouse shows you, you can start to be concerned that a third party has entered the scene. If you feel the closeness disappearing for no reason you may have cause for concern. 
 
Fewer hugs and kisses, reduced interest in the bedroom department are all signs that their mind may be somewhere else. A lower tolerance of you will also point to their frustration at being with you rather than their new love. Their guilt and frustration may also lead to more arguments, less conversation and a general intolerance of you.
 
Pride in appearance - if you notice your spouse changes the way they dress, of get themselves a new hairstyle, wear more perfume or aftershave, or take more showers, again you may have some cause for concern. If suddenly they start to dress to impress, it is most probably because they are indeed trying to impress someone they have met or would like to get to know better. Be concerned, especially if their affection towards you changes as well.
 
At home less - if they are suddenly finding reasons to go out more, even for just short trips, you can start to worry, particularly if they are also guilty of the characteristics above! Finding reasons not to be at home, means there is obviously somewhere else they would rather be! Where do you think that may be?
 
Once your suspicions are affirmed, your next step has to be to actually prove it! That can be easier said than done, and if you are not extremely careful, your detective work could end in disaster!

Learn more about catching a cheating spouse here!

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You can learn how to get your ex back. You might believe you want to get back with your ex girlfriend or get your boyfriend back right after you split up because of the emotions that you are experiencing. In those lonely weeks and months when you are adjusting to life on your own it can be tempting to think that getting back with your ex will make you happy. Don’t act upon your thoughts and feelings before first answering some questions.

Is getting your ex back the best way to bring happiness back into your life? Do you have memories of good times and bad times of your relationship? It is not really that bad being on your own, is it? When considering getting back with your ex you need to ask yourself will it really bring you happiness?  One would not mind reminiscing the loving memories of an affair and put aside the unsavory issues which culiminated in the separation to start with. It may not be difficult to be a victim of the previous condition…..Some may feel that being involved with someone even when it is not working out is better than being alone.

It is worth it to save most relationships, in fact. You should be able to fix a relationship unless there was any kind of abuse, a high level of violent fighting, emotional instability or substance abuse issues involved in the break-up. If you had a good relationship with your ex based on a mutual respect for each other and having just the normal expected ebb and flow between good and bad times, then the advice that follows may help you get back together.

It is a good thing to maintain a healthy, communicative relationship with your ex, while at the same time giving them room to breathe. You want for your ex to be thinking about you, but you don’t want to be a bother to them. Brief text messages once a day saying hello, one email a week that is cheerful and supportive, checking in on a detail of their life that you care about will show that you are stable and ok but that you are still concerned about your ex. Make sure that you are not expecting anything from your ex. These gestures must be simple and pure hearted. You don’t want to appear to be needy.

Arguing, begging, or pleading with your ex about your past relationship is a sure fire way to send them packing. Of course it happens very easily that you ponder about the past and all the mistakes you might have made and suddenly feel the urge to apologize to make things right. You might have had talked about these in the past in the company of your ex lover. It will give them new life to bring them up again, even just to apologize. The past is the past. If you can accept your own faults and your graces, your partner will recognize them as well.

You need to believe it in your mind that the relationship is done and begin the healing process. Even if it were possible, you can’t turn back time, so just get over it and move on! You should concentrate on the present: what feelings do you have now?

When you do make contact, there should be no discussion of the breakup or even of your past relationship. It should be only about current things. If you can easily make conversation and it is reciprocated by your ex, then you may be on your way to fixing things. More time and space may be need for your ex if he/she does not want to talk. Getting back with your ex could take time. Patience now really is a virtue.

By creating a space between yourself and your ex, both of you can grow as individuals and then return as whole, healthy people to a better relationship. If you move on and your life is going great then that is when they will start to miss you more and more each day. This is the first step to rekindling a relationship with your ex.

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Are you considering marriage counseling services but don’t know where to start? There are many types to choose from but the most sensible place to begin is generally couples marriage therapy, which will cover all the basics but can also refer you to abuse counselors or other counselors if need be. These programs are designed to be short-term and solution-focused towards an end goal. In most cases, just three months of weekly, one-hour sessions will clear up the root cause of your marital dissatisfaction or household tension.

For many middle-aged couples, the arguments revolve around finances, careers and kids. If you or your spouse have debt problems, are big spenders or argue over who wields the power of the purse, then perhaps credit counselors can help eradicate the source of your frustration. Often, when we’re strapped for cash, we begin to act out of character and we may begin to communicate poorly because we’re afraid to face the facts. Prioritizing becomes exceedingly difficult if you are living penny to penny.

Additionally, career counselors can sometimes offer counseling for marriage. There may be arguments over retiring, changing jobs, re-entering the workforce after child rearing or not making a stable income. Lastly, disagreements over child rearing can tear at the very fabric of a marital bond, leaving the children to become the unfortunate casualties of such squabbles. A specialized family marriage counselor can help readjust your attitudes and focus, thus arming you with better parenting skills and unified goals.

In some cases, marriage counseling services may begin with both partners committed to reforming, yet the marriage therapist may want one of the partners to seek additional assistance. Mental health counselors are specially trained to deal with severe depression, panic disorders, intermittent explosive anger disorders and low self esteem. All the couples counseling in the world may not be able to alter pre-existing patterns that a person has suffered with throughout his or her entire life. Medication, education and intense one-on-one therapy is the only way to help a marriage where one partner is in crisis. In other cases, a traumatic event such as rape, a traumatic accident or the death of a loved one may signify the need for grief counselors. We’re not always equipped with the tools to deal with everything life throws at us, so these highly trained licensed counselors can provide us with the strength and coping mechanisms to make it through this difficult time, with the support of a spouse.

Online marriage counseling services are available for those who don’t have the time or the gumption to go to actual sessions. The cost of online therapy with licensed counselors may be $2/minute, which is comparable to the cost of a normal session or they may charge a one-time fee for materials like quizzes, books and skill building presentations. You may be able to email licensed counselors, participate in video conferences or gain access to local resources. These treatments are not as effective as face-to-face counseling for a couple but are better than nothing, if time or money is limited.

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